Understanding and Responding to Challenging Behaviour

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by your child’s behaviour—tantrums, clinginess, refusals—you’re not alone. At Te Ōki Early Learning, we’ve seen it all, and we want to reassure you: most of these behaviours are developmentally normal and often temporary.

Still, knowing that doesn’t always make it easier in the moment. That’s why we want to offer a fresh perspective: by understanding how your child’s brain is developing, you can better support them through challenging behaviours—and feel more grounded as a parent along the way.

Why Do Children Act Out?

Sometimes the cause is simple: hunger, tiredness, or a change in routine. But at other times, the reason isn’t so obvious. That’s when a bit of understanding about brain development can help shed light on what’s really going on beneath the surface.

What Brain Development Tells Us About Behaviour

Thanks to the work of researchers like Nathan Wallis and the Brainwave Trust, we now know that the human brain develops from the bottom up:

• Brainstem – This is the survival centre, responsible for basic needs like food, safety, and warmth. It activates the fight, flight, or freeze response when a child feels unsafe or overstimulated.

• Midbrain – This area develops next and controls movement and coordination (think rolling, crawling, climbing, jumping).

• Limbic system (emotional brain) – Between ages 2–8, the emotional brain is rapidly developing. This is why young children often react with intense feelings and struggle to manage big emotions.

• Prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) – The last part of the brain to mature, beginning around age 7. It allows children to think logically, see others’ perspectives, and regulate their emotions—skills they simply don’t have when they’re little.

Understanding this sequence explains why certain behaviours—like sharing, saying sorry, or calming down on command—may be too much to ask of a toddler. They’re still growing the brain connections that make those responses possible.

What Other Theories Teach Us

Two other key theories support this understanding of early behaviour:

• Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: Children need their basic needs met—food, safety, love, and belonging—before they can develop self-esteem or learn effectively. When something feels off in those lower levels, behaviour often reflects that.

• Erikson’s Stages of Development: From birth to five years, children move through stages that focus on developing trust, independence, and initiative. Behaviour like defiance or constant testing can be signs your child is working through one of these important phases—not being “naughty.”

So What Can We Do? Introducing: Connect – Reflect – Select

At our parent workshop in 2024, we introduced a simple but powerful 3-step approach to navigating challenging behaviour: Connect, Reflect, Select.

You can use these strategies on their own or together as a complete response. They’re easy to remember, grounded in brain development, and incredibly effective when used consistently.

1: Connect

Before you try to manage or change a behaviour, focus on connection. As author Pam Leo says:

“Either we spend time meeting children’s emotional needs by filling their cup with love, or we spend time dealing with behaviours caused by unmet needs.”

Connection can happen in everyday ways—reading a book, playing side-by-side, involving your child in household routines. The goal is to be present and genuinely engaged.

In the moment of big emotions, connection means simply being there. Get down to your child’s level. Say, “I’m here with you.” Don’t try to fix it right away. Just breathe together. Co-regulation (calming down alongside a trusted adult) builds the brain’s ability to eventually self-regulate.

Step 2: Reflect

Reflection is about helping your child feel seen and understood.

In play, this might sound like:

• “You’re building a really tall tower!”

• “You’re zooming that car so fast!”

In emotional moments:

• “You’re feeling really upset that we have to leave Grandma’s.”

• “You really wanted a turn with that toy.”

This helps your child name and process their feelings. When children feel understood, their distress often softens. There’s no need to fix the problem—just acknowledging it goes a long way.

Step 3: Select

Once your child is calm, you can move forward with gentle structure. Offer two clear, positive choices:

• “You can choose to put your shoes on, or I can help you.”

• “You can choose to tidy up now, or after your story.”

Choices give children a sense of control and independence—something they’re naturally developing at this age. Just make sure both options work for you, and be consistent. If choices feel too hard in the moment, come back to connection first.

Bonus Tip: Baby Steps for Big Challenges

If a particular situation is consistently tough (like brushing teeth or going to the supermarket), break it down. Do a “dry run”—like putting toothpaste on the brush without brushing—or a 5-minute supermarket walk without shopping. Build up the experience slowly over time to help your child feel safe and confident.

Final Thoughts

Challenging behaviour is never about bad kids or bad parenting—it’s a signal that something deeper is going on. With a little insight and a lot of patience, you can support your child through these moments in ways that build their brain, strengthen your relationship, and support lifelong wellbeing.

And remember: at Te Ōki Early Learning, you’re never alone in this. We’re always here to talk, share ideas, and support your whānau as you navigate the beautiful, messy, wonderful early years.